Shame is present to a certain extent in most of our lives. It's an integral part of being human, of being social entities striving to belong to the group. If our behaviour steps outside of what we think the group wants us to think, see, or feel, then our automatic reaction is shame. In most cases, we learn from these experiences, talk about them with other people, and move on with our lives having learnt a lesson. But there are certain situations that cause shame to bury deep out of sight, affecting how we think about ourselves, and how we live in the world.
Shame is a feeling of being bad, unworthy; a deeply felt notion of not being good enough. It's a feeling about oneself, a personal definition of yourself that overrides every other version. It's different from guilt which is typically a reaction to something you've done, or embarrassment, which is how we deal with the reaction of others to something that we've done. Guilt, while linked to shame, is generally easier to overcome, and rarely becomes as inhibitive. The shame that is toxic to human growth is inside, and is often unshared with those around us, lurking beneath everything we do telling us how unworthy we are.
Shame is often present in the therapy space, linked to and often underlying, many issues such as depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, substance abuse, eating disorders, anger, domestic violence, among others. It's probably the greatest reason that people, especially men, find it hard to start therapy, have many false-starts in the therapy space until they find a good fit between themselves and a therapist, and sometimes even the reason behind giving up on the therapy process altogether (in effect, giving up on themselves.)
It is, therefore, not only one of the primary reasons for therapy, but it is the therapy work that those in therapy find most confronting. It is also the fundamental reason for much of the success in psychotherapy as a real, new way to live can be forged in the pain of the shame. Individuals can become free to choose how to live.
How do humans react to shame? Nathanson in 1992 called the 4-type model he composed the Compass of Shame theory. Later, Elison, Lennon and Steven (2006) added a fifth pole for those with an adaptive or useful response to shame. They are:
Shame is often present in the therapy space, linked to and often underlying, many issues such as depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, substance abuse, eating disorders, anger, domestic violence, among others. It's probably the greatest reason that people, especially men, find it hard to start therapy, have many false-starts in the therapy space until they find a good fit between themselves and a therapist, and sometimes even the reason behind giving up on the therapy process altogether (in effect, giving up on themselves.)
It is, therefore, not only one of the primary reasons for therapy, but it is the therapy work that those in therapy find most confronting. It is also the fundamental reason for much of the success in psychotherapy as a real, new way to live can be forged in the pain of the shame. Individuals can become free to choose how to live.
How do humans react to shame? Nathanson in 1992 called the 4-type model he composed the Compass of Shame theory. Later, Elison, Lennon and Steven (2006) added a fifth pole for those with an adaptive or useful response to shame. They are:
- Attack Self. That is, internal blame, and inwardly directed anger.
- Withdrawal. This describes the tendency to isolate or shrink oneself when shamed - flying under the radar.
- Avoidance. As well as avoiding situations of potential shame, this relates to becoming emotionally distant to avoid the shame, or to appear very disinterested, as if the shaming thing was of no matter.
- Attack Other. Outward anger, blaming of others, as if the thing triggering you is all caused by someone else's actions, not your own reactions.
- Adaptive. This is the additional one, the one where we assess ourselves, learn something, apologise or make good, and move on with greater wisdom.
Shame is a formidable thing, and wreaks havoc in peoples lives. The very ways people have developed to live with shame, often from when they are very young, can become unhelpful, damaging, self-undermining, and remove the power from individuals to assert any control over their own lives. The very method of surviving your own life also kicks in to resist therapy, finding ready and easy reason to disrupt or discontinue therapy.
Therapy works best when there is a good fit between the therapist and the client. I would even say that without a significant rapport and solid level of trust, work with shame may well be fruitless. It is therefore important to first establish trust. That is the initial work of therapy, approaching that uncomfortable place with care, compassion, awareness, and consistency.
In my experience, many clients present with one particular issue, only to find, once we have established a working relationship ship of trust, and ideas and thoughts are flowing, that there is shame present. It's often found to have commenced in childhood or early teens and, rather than being able to resolved over time, has been compounded by further shaming events woven into people's lives. This, I find, results in a person more and more in hiding, more depressed, more prone to addictions, and less and less happy with the way they are living their lives.
The remarkable thing is that, despite this, people have a wellspring of images and concepts of who they would prefer to be. So often, there is an extraordinary person just waiting to break free and live.
You see, there is hope. In the therapy space we can take the shame and get to know it. Learn how it works, learn it's secrets and techniques. We can find out what it is doing in you and we can take it's power from it, and put it back into your hands. This externalising method, one of the hallmarks of Narrative Therapy, can really assist people to break away from the shame, and with the story of who they would prefer to be as their goal, begin the task of renewal where, perhaps for the first time, they can be who they want to be.
It is always a privilege to watch that new version of a person take hold, grow, then take flight.
References and reading:
Elison, Lennon and Steven (2006) Investigating the Compass of Shame: The development of the Compass of Shame Scale Social Behavior and Personality An International Journal 34(3):221-238 · January 2006
Nathanson, D.L., (1992). Shame and pride: Emotion, sex and the birth of the self. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company.
White, Michael. Narrative means to therapeutic ends. Norton, 1990.
https://dulwichcentre.com.au
Comments open below:
Therapy works best when there is a good fit between the therapist and the client. I would even say that without a significant rapport and solid level of trust, work with shame may well be fruitless. It is therefore important to first establish trust. That is the initial work of therapy, approaching that uncomfortable place with care, compassion, awareness, and consistency.
In my experience, many clients present with one particular issue, only to find, once we have established a working relationship ship of trust, and ideas and thoughts are flowing, that there is shame present. It's often found to have commenced in childhood or early teens and, rather than being able to resolved over time, has been compounded by further shaming events woven into people's lives. This, I find, results in a person more and more in hiding, more depressed, more prone to addictions, and less and less happy with the way they are living their lives.
The remarkable thing is that, despite this, people have a wellspring of images and concepts of who they would prefer to be. So often, there is an extraordinary person just waiting to break free and live.
You see, there is hope. In the therapy space we can take the shame and get to know it. Learn how it works, learn it's secrets and techniques. We can find out what it is doing in you and we can take it's power from it, and put it back into your hands. This externalising method, one of the hallmarks of Narrative Therapy, can really assist people to break away from the shame, and with the story of who they would prefer to be as their goal, begin the task of renewal where, perhaps for the first time, they can be who they want to be.
It is always a privilege to watch that new version of a person take hold, grow, then take flight.
References and reading:
Elison, Lennon and Steven (2006) Investigating the Compass of Shame: The development of the Compass of Shame Scale Social Behavior and Personality An International Journal 34(3):221-238 · January 2006
Nathanson, D.L., (1992). Shame and pride: Emotion, sex and the birth of the self. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company.
White, Michael. Narrative means to therapeutic ends. Norton, 1990.
https://dulwichcentre.com.au
Comments open below:
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