It's such a common phrase as people try to take advantage of a New Year to attempt a change in their lives. Perhaps you're attempting just that, or trying for the umpteenth time to make a change but fear that once again you'll fail. Do you undermine your own chances? Do you doubt your ability to change? Or perhaps you're really not all that willing to change but like to be seen to make the effort? What really gets in the way, and how can you make the changes you'd like to make?

The ability to change revolves around our ability to understand ourselves; our habits, our preferences, our values, and using them to motivate and allow for change.

It's also a significant feature of the work that it's your behaviour that is the focus of change, not you. The process is around you becoming a version of you that is one who behaves in a way you prefer - a fine distinction, but one that I don't underestimate.

"Who are you?"
This question leaves many clients struggling to find an answer, as the knowledge of who you are isn't something that's often thought about. There's often a general sense that you're unhappy, or want to be "better," but the place to start that process really is in the exploration of who you actually are, now, today. It's actually a very difficult question but needs answering so the process of change can start.

"Who do you want to be?"
Another question that many people struggle to answer. I often hear answers that are very general, such as "I want to be a better partner/father/person/colleague," or "I want to be more successful."
Alternately, this is often answered in the negative, describing what you DON'T want to be: "I don't want to be angry."" I don't want to lose control."" I don't want to drink."" I don't want to hurt my family any more."
Removing the generalities and the socially constructed ideals of what being a "good" or "successful" person looks like and really getting into knowing who you want to be - not anyone else, but what you yourself choose, is the focus at this stage.

What prevents you from being that person?
As well as being confused about who we are and what we want, our behaviour can often work against us, endlessly causing our behaviour to repeat the same mistakes, creating the same regrets, and bringing us lower each time.
It's what happens when we live by habit, only knowing the one reaction, the one way to live. No matter how much you think about something, when the situation comes up, you do exactly the same thing you always do. It's frustrating and shaming, and serves only to prove to you again and again that "Yep, I'm not good enough." You feel powerless, defeated.
The work here is to learn how to stop yourself in those moments of decision, just before action, just before your habit kicks in. Stop your old self in his tracks. Assess him. Know him. And take your power back from him.

How do you get there?
Each of us have certain things we value in ourselves and in others. These values can guide our whole lives once they are known and acknowledged. The question of who you are is answered in two ways - how you leaned to behave/be in the world as  a child and young person, and what things are important to you - your values.

The question of who you want to be is a bit easier at that point, as it's likely you want to be a person who lives according to their values. The greatest unhappiness is living a life that doesn't gel with what we believe in and value. The antidote, therefore, is to begin constructing a life that matches your values. You'll then find you're on the way to being who you want to be, as living in congruence with your values is a highway to happiness.

As for your habits? As you explore who you are and who you want to be, you'll become more aware of the times you are being influenced, either internally or externally, to act in a way that doesn't reflect your values. It's incredible how transformative that moment is, as you get to take back your power and make a decision to be who you want to be - and exponentially the updated version of you, the more "you" version of you, emerges: The you of honesty, of joy, of confidence and pride. It's worth the effort!

Lyrics on the next page:

And remember, if asked how you are, take the risk: put a little faith on your friends, and start to talk.

Friends
[Verse 1]
My friend, you've been looking so tired
Say you're fine, but I know that you're lyin'
Why don't you walk a little bit with me?
My friend, you've been looking so angry
Don't know what the fuck has been happenin'
Why don't you talk a little shit with me?

[Pre-Chorus]
Oh, we're just human beings
No good at being good at things
Unsure of what the future brings us
But at least there's you and me
We're mindless dreamers smartly teamed
To face the shit we dream of

[Chorus]
We can build it brick by brick
Taking life an inch by inch
I can help you fix your shit
I know we'll still be friends
Life ain't always roses, but
Even when the road gets rough
You'll never have to face too much
Alone

[Verse 2]
My friend, you've been looking so weary
You say you're fine, but I know you're not, clearly
Why don't you breathe a little bit with me?
I don't know what's going on
But I know when something's wrong
Why don't you put a little faith in me?

[Pre-Chorus]
Oh, we're just human beings
No good at being good at things
Unsure of what the future brings us
But at least there's you and me
We're mindless dreamers smartly teamed
To face the shit we dream of

[Chorus]
We can build it brick by brick
Taking life an inch by inch
I can help you fix your shit
I know we'll still be friends
Life ain't always roses, but
Even when the road gets rough
You'll never have to face too much
Alone

[Post-Chorus]
And I know you got friends
Are they treating you well?
You don't need to pretend
You can lean on me not someone else
And I know you got strength
You can handle yourself
Ain't it easier when
You can lean on me not someone else

[Verse 1]
My friend, you've been looking so tired
Say you're fine, but I know that you're lyin'
Why don't you walk a little bit with me?
My friend, you've been looking so angry
Don't know what the fuck has been happenin'
Why don't you talk a little shit with me?

Shame is present to a certain extent in most of our lives. It's an integral part of being human, of being social entities striving to belong to the group. If our behaviour steps outside of what we think the group wants us to think, see, or feel, then our automatic reaction is shame. In most cases, we learn from these experiences, talk about them with other people, and move on with our lives having learnt a lesson. But there are certain situations that cause shame to bury deep out of sight, affecting how we think about ourselves, and how we live in the world.

Shame is a feeling of being bad, unworthy; a deeply felt notion of not being good enough. It's a feeling about oneself, a personal definition of yourself that overrides every other version. It's different from guilt which is typically a reaction to something you've done, or embarrassment, which is how we deal with the reaction of others to something that we've done. Guilt, while linked to shame, is generally easier to overcome, and rarely becomes as inhibitive. The shame that is toxic to human growth is inside, and is often unshared with those around us, lurking beneath everything we do telling us how unworthy we are.

​Shame is often present in the therapy space, linked to and often underlying, many issues such as depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, substance abuse, eating disorders, anger, domestic violence, among others. It's probably the greatest reason that people, especially men, find it hard to start therapy, have many false-starts in the therapy space until they find a good fit between themselves and a therapist, and sometimes even the reason behind giving up on the therapy process altogether (in effect, giving up on themselves.)

It is, therefore, not only one of the primary reasons for therapy, but it is the therapy work that those in therapy find most confronting. It is also the fundamental reason for much of the success in psychotherapy as a real, new way to live can be forged in the pain of the shame. Individuals can  become free to choose how to live. 

How do humans react to shame? Nathanson in 1992 called the 4-type model he composed the Compass of Shame theory. Later, Elison, Lennon and Steven (2006) added a fifth pole for those with an adaptive or useful response to shame. They are:

• Attack Self. That is, internal blame, and inwardly directed anger.
• Withdrawal. This describes the tendency to isolate or shrink oneself when shamed - flying under the radar.
• Avoidance. As well as avoiding situations of potential shame, this relates to becoming emotionally distant to avoid the shame, or to appear very disinterested, as if the shaming thing was of no matter.
  
• Attack Other. Outward anger, blaming of others, as if the thing triggering you is all caused by someone else's actions, not your own reactions. 
  
• Adaptive. This is the additional one, the one where we assess ourselves, learn something, apologise or make good, and move on with greater wisdom.

The links of these ways of living with shame to problems such as depression, anger, etc are fairly clear when viewed so systematically  but when you live your life from within this complexity, it's a very complicated and confronting pattern to try and be aware of. 

Shame is a formidable thing, and wreaks havoc in peoples lives. The very ways people have developed to live with shame, often from when they are very young, can become unhelpful, damaging, self-undermining, and remove the power from individuals to assert any control over their own lives. The very method of surviving your own life also kicks in to resist therapy, finding ready and easy reason to disrupt or discontinue therapy.

Therapy works best when there is a good fit between the therapist and the client. I would even say that without a significant rapport and solid level of trust, work with shame may well be fruitless. It is therefore important to first establish trust. That is the initial work of therapy, approaching that uncomfortable place with care, compassion, awareness, and consistency.

In my experience, many clients present with one particular issue, only to find, once we have established a working relationship ship of trust, and ideas and thoughts are flowing, that there is shame present. It's often found to have commenced in childhood or early teens and, rather than being able to resolved over time, has been compounded by further shaming events woven into people's lives. This, I find, results in a person more and more in hiding, more depressed, more prone to addictions, and less and less happy with the way they are living their lives. 

The remarkable thing is that, despite this, people have a wellspring of images and concepts of who they would prefer to be. So often, there is an extraordinary person just waiting to break free and live. 

You see, there is hope. In the therapy space we can take the shame and get to know it. Learn how it works, learn it's secrets and techniques. We can find out what it is doing in you and we can take it's power from it, and put it back into your hands. This externalising method, one of the hallmarks of Narrative Therapy,  can really assist people to break away from the shame, and with the story of who they would prefer to be as their goal, begin the task of renewal where, perhaps for the first time, they can be who they want to be.

It is always a privilege to watch that new version of a person take hold, grow, then take flight.

References and reading:

Elison, Lennon and Steven (2006) Investigating the Compass of Shame: The development of the Compass of Shame Scale Social Behavior and Personality An International Journal 34(3):221-238 · January 2006

Nathanson, D.L., (1992). Shame and pride: Emotion, sex and the birth of the self. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company. 

​White, Michael. Narrative means to therapeutic ends. Norton, 1990.

​https://dulwichcentre.com.au

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Negative events tend to stick with us, like barnacles to the bottom of the ship, sticking with us as we journey through life. Things that we know at the time that are not very important, not very meaningful, and probably not about us at all, can raise their heads in our thoughts again and again and again. Another kid in class telling us we're too skinny/fat/dumb etc can stay around well past its use-by date. But why? Can we overcome these thoughts?

Negative thoughts play around in our minds again and again and again, even if overall we had a wonderful time at school. We do it again as adults. Every performance evaluation at work is perilous, as the slightest hint of "you may need more work in…" or "let's go through the areas that can be improved" send dread though us. Do we remember the positives? Of course - they're what we tell ourselves we are taking away from the meeting. But what pops up, unbidden, unwanted, as soon as you let your guard down? Any comments that you took to be negative, that's what.

Have you ever experienced any of these?

• You had an argument with someone two days ago, but on reflection you can see that it was okay. But you just can't stop thinking about the negative things that were said and how angry and hurt you are.
• Something embarrassing that you did years ago seems to every now and again pop into your head making sure you relive the shame and negative feeling of that moment.
• Things are not going how you think they should and you're frustrated, angry, shut-down and unhappy.
• You're having an ordinary discussion with friends when suddenly somebody is offended by something you said. It was obviously not intentional, but the negative reaction to you sticks with you, sometimes for years.

Why does this happen to us and should you be worried? Actually it's quite normal. Our brains have evolved to ensure that we survive – and the fact that we are the ones here is proof that this survival technique works. What we do with the appearance of negativity in our thoughts is crucial however.

Our ancestors developed a highly attuned ability to detect something negative in the environment. Our brains evolved from people who always erred on the side of caution - and so survived. In short, humans are more sensitive to negativity than to positivity. Some studies even show the memories of negative events are laid down almost instantly, whereas positive events need to be experienced for longer to be remembered (by longer, we mean 15 to 20 seconds.)

Psychologists have come to know this as Negative Bias. It's also, by the way, why we are prone to see the glass as half empty...

How do we derail our brain's negativity bias and experience a more positive life?

Here are some of the neurological and psychological tricks that will help:

• Look around you – actually make an effort to pay attention to what's happening - and search out the positive. Every situation is filled with positive, negative and objectively neutral things to you. This puts you in charge of what you notice, rather than your brain taking over and utilising negative bias.
• Allow positive events, thoughts and feelings to linger. Paying attention to them, experience them for a longer time; savouring them. This gives your brain a great chance to remember the positive things and gives you the ability to re-experience them.
• Imagine your brain laying down the memories, creating a path that leads to a wonderful place filled with positive experiences - experiences that are real, are yours, and can be accessed at any time. This helps you to be free from needing positive experience to keep you happy, as you can often find something positive within yourself.
• Take a few moments before you respond to things. Allow yourself the opportunity to respond to the positive rather than the negative. Because our brains see the negative so quickly we need to give it time to become aware of the positive. It gets easier over time! This one has the added advantage of bringing out positivity in other people.
• Express gratitude. An awareness of the fortunate aspects of your life, and being actively grateful to people who are helping you (or even just the person making your coffee) exercises our positivity muscles and demonstrates to our brains that the world is okay.

Your negative bias is there to help you, but if you let it be in charge it can make your life unnecessarily unpleasant. Listen to it, but don't let it drive.

I want to note that a negative experience is different from a traumatic experience. We respond significantly neurologically and psychologically to trauma. This blog post does not indicate how to deal with trauma.

The end of the year is a time when many people are able to switch off from many of the stresses of the rest of the year. Wouldn't it be great if we could start the New Year better equipped to deal with stress, and gain the upper hand? Not only is it possible, but you may already be doing it! How do you understand and manage your stress?

Stress can sneak up on you, or it can land on you like a house. It's often hard to recognise, and once it has you in its grip, it can be hard to escape. 

Many of the symptoms of stress are similar to anxiety, and people will often be medicated to deal with anxiety rather than seeking out the stressors in their life and learning how to deal with them. 

The Mayo clinic outlines the symptoms of stress clearly. Anxiety, and even depression, can be symptoms of stress. That is, the stressors in your life may be the cause of your anxiety or other conditions, rather than the other way around.

Do any of the the following sound familiar?

Common effects of stress on your body

• Headache
• Muscle tension or pain
• Chest pain
• Fatigue
• Change in sex drive
• Stomach upset
• Sleep problems

Common effects of stress on your mood

• Anxiety
• Restlessness
• Lack of motivation or focus
• Feeling overwhelmed
• Irritability or anger
• Sadness or depression

Common effects of stress on your behavior

• Overeating or undereating
• Angry outbursts
• Drug or alcohol abuse
• Tobacco use
• Social withdrawal
• Exercising less often 

We know that there is a significant physical aspect to stress. When we react to stress, our bodies perceive threat and immediately go into "fight or flight" mode. A work deadline obviously won't eat you, however our bodies have the same response regardless. We're automatically trying to respond to an emotional stress with a physical response and a physical solution. Yes - very helpful.

It's also been discovered exactly how men and women differ in response to stress. When stress hits, the hormones cortisol, and epinephrine are released into the body. They cause an increase in blood pressure and allow more sugar into the blood. Cortisol also reduces our immune system. It used to be thought that women produced more cortisol and that was the cause of an emotional reaction to stress. 

Robert Sapolsky, a professor of neurobiology at Stanford University, explains that in fact there's no difference in the amount of cortisol dumped into the body, but what happens with a third hormone, oxytocin, is completely different. Women produce a lot more of it in stressful situations countering the production of cortisol and epinephrine, promoting nurturing and relaxing emotions. It allows women to immediately talk through their problems, and search out allies to connect with - a useful strategy when dealing with emotional stress.

For men, however, not so. We get stuck with a desire to run or become aggressive, or just... to do something. Of course, a very unhelpful way to deal with the emotional stressors of current life.

In fact, men become shut down, focussed, harder to talk with, irritable. Not only does it make them unpleasant to be around, but it often exacerbates stress and generally leaves men feeling shame around their behaviour, and hopelessness at not being able to withstand stress "like a man." 

So just how do you gain the upper hand over stress? "Stress" has a very broad meaning in our society, and that's the best place to start. Keep in mind also that this is a very fluid process, and you will move back and forth among these steps. And that's OK.

​1. Consider what is the stress, and what is the stressor. 

​Stress is your response/meaning to a stressor, and a stressor is something you have no control over - something external to you.

To break that down even further, A stressor is something that comes from the outside. It may be a work deadline, it may be a family dispute, or simply that there's so much to get through in your week that it's actually not possible to do it all. None of that is your fault, and you're not responsible for it. It's not a part of you, and is external to you.

How you respond to or react to a particular stressor however, is the key.  For most people, the response to a stressor is to take it personally, to take it as a given that you are now responsible for, regardless of where it comes from or how realistic the task or situation is. 

What is/are the stressor(s) in your situation? How do you react? 
​
​2. Work out what stress means to you.

We typically react to things such a stress in a habitual way, with no thought to the situation. When overwhelmed by an emotional stressor, men especially feel a need to act, and when that doesn't work, there's a feeling of inadequacy, of not being good enough, that you should be able to deal with the stress because that's what proper successful men do.

​What does your experience of stress mean to you? Inadequacy? Failure? Proof that you're not good enough? Shouldn't I just be able to manage my stress?

3. Identify ways you've dealt with stress successfully in the past.

Following on from point 2 is this vital piece of self-reflection. There are likely stressors to which you respond well, that you do overcome, and that hold for you a different meaning. That may be the tension of the sporting field, overcoming a complicated situation with your teenager, or some other part of your life that actually you do deal with a stressor well. 

​Think on those stressors, and what it is you do to cope, and what that means for you. You may well be able to replicate your success in other areas as well. Perhaps you're not such a universal loser after all! Perhaps you feel a sense of pride or achievement at those times. 

4. Work out how stress triggers you.

Now you're on the way to becoming aware of the difference between your response to a stressor and the stressor itself. You've identified the kinds of stressors that you react to in a way you don't like, and those you react to in a way you prefer. 

Next is to work out just how that stressor manages to sneak in and push your button(s!) so easily. This step is powerful as not only have you identified the kind of stressor that you're confronted with, but you will begin to develop the ability to block it in its tracks, preventing it from reaching your giant red button. 

This is also the hardest step. Practice in breathing techniques is vital at this stage as that will assist you to gain control over your limbic system. You're aiming for psychological awareness, and physical mechanisms to control your reaction. See? You can react to an emotional stressor by doing something. 

5. Who are you now in relation to stress?

As you move back and forward through the steps, you may notice your self as having a different relationship to stress. What does stress mean to you now? How do you see stress in your life? Is your response to stressors now the one you prefer? Do stressors have a hard time getting to your button?

Think on the meaning of all of this for you. What does stress now mean to you?

It's also very important to note that "stress" isn't necessarily bad, and can in fact be highly motivating, helping in our lives in many ways. Identifying those stressor that we actually like, that help us be who we prefer to be, can be a wonderful offshoot to working on your response to stress.

The Australian Psychological Society has published their "8 tops for thriving in the digital age." It's a helpful and practical guide to helping navigate the complicated and sometimes distressing needs of social media.

1. Check less
Research is pretty clear in finding  that constant checking does two things. It of course makes you less productive, and actually increases your level of stress. That makes it tiring, unhealthy, and, well, stressful! Check less.

2. Post positively
Engaging in angry conversations filled with judgement and hate are bad for your physical and mental health. And they rarely, if ever, have any positive outcome. So there's really no point! Step away from nasty conversations and engage in positive ones.

3. Be proactive
It's sometimes easy to sit back and simply observe social media. But that can lead to feeling like you're not as good as others, that you're missing out, or worse, feeling envious. Making a positive contribution in your social media interactions can bolster your mental health, and that of others!

4. Block the bullies
Just block them. Find out how, and simply do it. toxic and malicious content is of course deeply unhealthy.
You can take this further to block those who don't support you as well. A rule of thumb I use is to only friend those people who I would enjoy cooking dinner for in my own home. 

5. Keep perspective
The image people project on social media is often curated to give a certain impression. If that's you, you're running the risk of missing out on actually connecting with people. If you look at those profiles and feel envy, then you're running the risk of feeling inadequate. 
Research shows that those who are more authentic, more "warts & all" are less stressed and feel more connected. Don't compete! Just be.

6. Take a break
If there's constant access tire's a constant state in you of being "on." Work and any other situation can spill into private time, or time reserved for another activity. Ensure you have a set period of time where your environment is controlled. Adjust your settings to create boundaries that ensure you can stay focussed, or relaxed, when you choose to. 

7. Guard your sleep
It precious, and vital to your mental health! There's a strong correlation between those who access social media before sleep and sleep problems, poor productivity, and a low sense of wellbeing. Ideally, use the hour before bed to clear your mind, and allow your body to set itself to sleep mode.

8. Connect offline
Much of social media connection is the slight buzz from recognition. That's not as satisfying to the deep need humans have for connection, and is a poor substitute. Put the phone away, and connect in a human way to those around you.

It really is OK to step away from social media, to set boundaries, and to look after yourself!

Depression is not simply feeling sad, and not something that people can just "get over" or snap out of. It's an overwhelming self-loathing that saps energy, joy, and hope. Here are some points to help understand more about people who are depressed.

Their personalities don't indicate depression
To know them at work or as an acquaintance, you'd never know someone was depressed. It's hard to spot, and difficult to pin down as a depressed person is actively hiding their symptoms, avoiding scrutiny.

They can almost never shut down their minds
They have endless and uncontrollable negative self talk, self reflection, and self loathing that takes away their energy and makes it hard for them to focus, and to sleep. This "talk" is always inwardly focussed.

They find it hard to trust
They often know many people, but they trust very few. To be trusted is an honour, and means you make the person feel safe - or at least you are predictable. People find it easy to trust them however.

They are difficult to get to know
However they may know you well. Their painful inner life makes them attuned to others' hurt. They will always offer a sympathetic ear, but will rarely be the ones seeking such an ear for tmelselves. They will speak of themselves only superficially.

They are smart
To endure the pain in silence, to avoid detection, to be the listener for others takes an enormous effort, and a lot of skill. This skill is used to build themselves a high wall behind which to live.

They are empathetic
They are very in touch with the raw feelings they have and can't shut down. They can easily relate to feelings in others, and are capable of feeling for others, be it sadness or happiness, and are the first to commiserate or to congratulate.

They make their own lives harder
By not being genuine, absorbing other people's stresses, and not seeking help or treatment, their lives are made so much harder. Their lives are exhausting, and sleep is rare and disturbed.

The irony in this list is compelling.

That depressed people often excel at the very skills that would help them heal is tragic - in that these skills are used to hide, rather than to express.

And it is the exposure of expression that they most fear, is their greatest fear, that the self-loathing will be proven correct and they will be discovered as fraudulent and grotesque human beings. All while being beautiful, sensitive, and generous.

Therapy is a safe place.

it's a place where, if you are depressed, your reluctance is understood, and the pace is set by you. Seemingly tiny steps can be incredible achievements, and glimpses of self compassion are healing.

Therapy can teach you how to trust, and help you begin to live authentically, giving you the ability to live as you would prefer, not as your thoughts and habits dictate. Over time, you can emerge from behind your wall, tentatively, learning the lay of the land, and starting on the path to happiness.

Anxiety is an insidious feeling that takes many forms, from a reluctance to go out socially, to a self-censoring internal dialogue that hold you back, preventing you from moving forward in your life. It's also highly treatable. You can gain control in your life. You can be happy.
This is an accurate video written, acted, directed & edited by Ton Mazzone.

Perfectionism is something I see a lot as a therapist. While high standards and operating at your best are worthwhile goals, perfectionism can be a major impediment to living your life as you would prefer.

Do you think that what you do is never good enough? Do you chronically procrastinate, constantly waiting on more information to make your document perfect, hunt websites endlessly to find the best hotel, or end up ordering pizza because you can't decide which restaurant to go to?

If the answer is "yes," then not only do you tend towards perfectionism, but you're at increased risk of stress and anxiety, and less likely to feel content and happy. You home life, social life, even work life all become a gruelling feat as you struggle to make everything you do "perfect." That's also the case for those around you, who have to decide to allow themselves to get pulled into the vortex, or to stand well clear.

The constant message from society is that one must endlessly strive for perfection, that we can always be better, our clothes whiter, our pasta perfect. Absent are messages that remind us to relax, that working towards being satisfied with what we have is a worthwhile goal. (Who finds that statement hard to accept?)

In fact, those constantly striving for perfection are at greater risk of stress and anxiety - things that lead back into perfectionism. The result can be a spiral where the harder you work at something, the worse you seem to be at achieving it.

Some signs you may be a perfectionist:

• You can't stop thinking about a mistake you've made
• You're very competitive and hate to lose
• You like to do things perfectly or not at all
• You won't ask for help - that's weak
• You find fault in others and make a point to correct them
• You think untidy people are lazy
• You're very self-conscious about making mistakes in front of others

In case you're thinking that actually this sounds like it might not be a bad thing, let me offer some perspective. There's a big difference between a high-achiever and a perfectionist. A high-achiever will have high standards that they stick to as well as they can, and make an effort to perform optimally - both things that require self awareness and self compassion. A high-achiever knows they can't be perfect every time, and that those times they fall short are times to learn. A high-achiever strives for excellence. A perfectionist is full of self doubt, fearing disapproval, afraid to take a chance, alternately driven to excess or frozen in the face of a task. They see mistakes as failures. And failures prove the self doubt was right.

Dr. Miriam Adderholdt notes in her 1992 book Perfectionism: What's Bad About Being Too Good?:

The good news is that if you're a perfectionist, you already have the ability to strive. The thing to change is your perception of who you are and what you want - focussing on the you that you prefer to be, and striving courageously for that. It's one of those things that seems impossible to even understand, let alone achieve: until the day you get it and it all falls into place, and you realise that excellence is personal, and is impervious to external judgement.


Here are some tips to help you get started.

• Accept that you are human, with a limited set of skills and abilities, and are therefore unable to achieve perfection. It is, in fact, impossible.
• List the positives and negatives of perfectionism - the costs and the benefits. Which side do you prefer? Now delete those things on the perfectionist side that can remain if you simply strive for excellence. What does the equation look like now?
• Bring awareness to your thinking around tasks. Are you actually working to make yourself happy, or to protect yourself from doubt or criticism? Note the negative basis of your self-talk (no doubt containing a "should" somewhere) and instead cultivate thinking on what you prefer to do or to be in a given situation.
• Be realistic. 'nuf said.
• Practise taking risks in situations where you are likely to fall short. Know you will, and use that to practise sitting with that feeling, and taking any criticism as relevant only in that it helps you to learn.

Becoming the person you prefer to be is hard work. It takes courage, honesty, and requires that you trust yourself to know how you want to live. It's also the common work of psychotherapy, as you learn to identify things you want to change, and get the objective and skilled assistance to achieve it.

"Anger comes fast, often unanticipated and always unwelcome. It operates without logic, with no concern for consequences. It damages things, relationships, and sometimes even people. It leaves me feeling ashamed of myself. Worthless. What's worse, I'm even too weak and useless to control it." 
​Does this sound familiar?

If it does sound familiar, you may feel as if there's no hope for you, that "angry" is just "who I am." That's a common feeling, particularly for men.

We are often taught that being angry is an appropriate reaction for men to some situations. It becomes a substitute for all other emotions, and grows to the point that the smallest frustration is capable of setting you off into a rage. The worst part if this is you don't want to be angry. You don't want to be the guy who punches the wall. You don't want to be the one in the group that people are careful around. You don't want to be known to have a temper, a short fuse, "anger issues," or lose yet another relationship due to your temper. You don't want to be scared of what you might do.

A lot is known about anger. We know that it's a component (as is fear, stress, and anxiety) of the "fight or flight" response in the brain. Anger is the fight version of this ancient mechanism, with your body preparing itself to engage in a life-threatening situation. It does that by flooding you with adrenaline and cortisol. Once flooded with these hormones, you are at the greatest risk of being or feeling overwhelmed by your anger. Blood is redirected to your muscles, your heart rate, breathing, and blood pressure increase, and your mind is sharpened and focussed. In fact, the reason you may shake or tremble with anger is your body dumping the unused energy.

Obviously having your body prepare to fight off an animal about to make a meal out of you every time you experience confusing or stressful situations is not just an over-reaction, but one that ruins your life, and makes you feel ashamed and simply not good enough. It's a very real thing, and experienced by many people.

Acting out in this ultra-angry manner is unhelpful, and won't help you to resolve your feelings. Neither is repressing your anger, bottling it up. That can lead to feelings of depression, and can also result in an explosive rage.

There are many ways to treat anger, and to enable you to live as the person you prefer to be.

Some short-term things that can be helpful are:

• As soon as you feel the adrenaline rush, take yourself away from the situation.
  
• Understand that emotions, such as anger, are an ordinary part of human life.
• Do something physical such as a walk, run, or go to the gym.

Longer term solutions revolve around re-training your mind and your body with such techniques such as:

• Identifying the source of your anger, and working with that.
• Separating yourself from your anger and create an identity that isn't an angry one.
• Learn what emotions you actually want to express, and train yourself in expressing those emotions.
• Identifying your physical reaction to anger, and bring awareness and control to that, rather than reacting from it.
• Incorporate exercise and specialised relaxation techniques into your standard week. These can be as simply as walking and breathing exercises.
  
• Remember it's the "fight response" version of you that is reacting, with your regular sense and preferences simply missing from your toolbox. Learning that you are not your anger.
  

These solutions are often easiest with the assistance of a professional who can guide you through the process of becoming the non-angry person you prefer to be. It can be hard and painful work, but it's productive work and the upshot is finding happiness along the way.

Do you often find yourself saying "sorry?" Do many of your daily interactions involve apologising for what you think you may have done? Of course, being aware of where we impinge on others as we move through our day is a vital part of the cohesion of society, but there's a way to do it that is a powerful shortcut to happiness.

 Whether at work, with friends, or in an intimate relationship, shifting the focus from apology to gratitude can have a huge impact on the quality of the relationship, and of your own happiness.

An apology comes from 2 places. One is a place of humbly accepting that you've wronged someone - there are many examples of this, from feeling remorse at what you've done, to realising you've hurt someone, or simply empathising with some one else's pain or grief. The second is when you automatically put yourself last, and put yourself down, in every social situation you find yourself in. The first is healthy, and the second lacks the boundaries that help to maintain our sense of worth.

Arriving at an appointment with minutes to spare and apologising for being late. Ordering coffee and apologising for answering yes when asked if you want sugar. Apologising when you haven't seen a  movie being discussed at work. Apologising to your partner for being emotionally distant, for being unable to attend a social function out of fear - for finally cracking a little and wanting to share some of your burden with them. Basically holding yourself back from seeking help from those around you, and apologising when you don't manage to contain or control your fear.

These are examples of the second kind of apology, one that says little about the real social interaction, but speaks volumes about your sense of worth. While you may feel apologising is an appropriate way to interact, it really moves the focus, putting a burden on the person you're apologising to, forcing them to soothe or acknowledge you!

Gratitude involves stating your worth. Stating your worth is obviously ideal, but how on earth to do that if you actually do feel unworthy?

The trick is to swap the apology around to gratitude, something which is considered to be an important factor in happiness.

How does that look in the real world? If we take the examples above, they may look like this. You arrive with minutes to spare at an appointment - "Hi! Thanks for being here!" When asked if you want sugar - "Oh yes I do. Thanks so much!" When a movie you haven't seen is being discussed - "Actually I haven't seen it so thanks for the recommendation - please hold the spoilers!" To your partner - "I really appreciate how patient you are with me. You're a great strength in my life." "Thanks for understanding that I can't go to the party. I'm so relieved you get how hard a noisy room full of strangers is for me." "Thank you so much for being here, and for listening."

Changing your apology around to gratitude can impact in several ways:

• Gratitude makes the exchange about the receiver of the gratitude, shifting the focus. An apology requires the apologee to acknowledge and to forgive ("That's OK, I don't mind." kind of thing) making the exchange all about the apologiser seeking reassurance, an unpleasant irony when you become aware you're actually making it harder to interact with you!
  
• The person receiving the gratitude is now acknowledged in their own right - their offering noticed, their value stated.
• Practising gratitude has the potential to shift the apologiser's view of and action in the world. The onus is less on one's own ineptitude and worthlessness, to acknowledging that others are actual there for you in the bigger world.
  

Shifting your position from pathos to gratitude takes practice (and often guidance) if your standard view of yourself in the world is one of not being worthy. Deciding to practice gratitude can force a less self-referenced response, encouraging you to focus on thanking those in your life for being in your life. The flow on is that you yourself will become more happy.

Practising gratitude can break a cycle. You can bring awareness to your interactions, and make a decision each time to be who you prefer - the one who is grateful, or the one who is apologetic.

Here's a short survey to give you an idea of your gratitude level. You can open a free account on this website operated by the Happiness Institute at the University of Pennsylvania and complete all manner of happiness related questionnaires.

Communication is so important in a relationship, but for many, we have only the training we have received in our lives to guide us - and it's often wrong! Take empathy for example. We all know that it's the best way to listen, especially with a partner who needs us. But how is it done? And why is it so hard?

One of the reasons that empathy is so hard to use is that its use is based on increasingly obsolete gender roles.

Women were/are trained to be empathetic to children, and with men who society deemed their betters and worthy of their support. They were taught a vastly more complicated mix of empathy and judgement of other women, mixed with a self-denying stoicism that ensured they could continue to support men without men having to notice anything so emotional as this inner turmoil.

Men were trained to fix, to solve, to withstand, and to protect. There was no room for empathy, as that road led to...well, who knows. And that's the problem. It's a place men need to go, but not only do they not know how, but they've been trained to avoid it.

With these two sets of training in mind, is it any wonder that communication can be so hard in a relationship! We were simply not trained to communicate outside of the role society traditionally had set aside for us. For straight and gay couples alike, this gendered communication training is unhelpful in the current era where we try to be better communicators, better partners, and better people.

Learning to listen with empathy can assist us to overcome this training, and improve our relationships significantly. It helps you avoid disruptive, argumentative, and judgemental conversations, and facilitates a sense of being heard and understood.

There are 5 essential steps to the technique:

• Listen with undivided attention. Give the speaker all you've got - no multi-tasking, no thinking other thoughts, no waiting for your turn to make your point. Be completely present.
• Be non-judgemental. That means you do not trivialise, minimise, criticise, or laugh at what the speaker is saying.
• Read behind the words. What's being said and what's being expressed are often different. Notice the emotions - respond to the anger, the frustration, the sadness instead of the facts.
• Allow silence. You don't have to reply immediately, or at all. Let the speaker speak. Often, after a short silence, the speaker will continue, often with their own solution. Learn to tolerate that space.
• Clarify that you understand. Don't assume you understand. Ask questions to confirm what you perceive the speaker to be saying. State back to the speaker what you've heard.

Follow these steps consciously and as a team. It gets easier, and you get better at it until it become the way you communicate. And along the way you're heading towards your preferred you as well!

Tremors can be a frightening component of anxiety. They are experienced by many sufferers of anxiety, who are often uncertain what the cause may be. It's useful to know that, as anxiety lessens, so too can the body begin to suffer less from this condition.

If you experience tremors, you may describe them as feeling like your body is trembling or vibrating for no apparent reason.

• Your arms, hands, feet, legs, stomach, sides, chest, back, head, or even your whole body feel shaky and you're trembling.
• You feel jittery.
• Your limbs visibly tremble or shake in a way you can't control.
• After you wake up your body is shaking or vibrating for no apparent reason.
• Sometimes you body feels like it's vibrating, although you may not see obvious physical trembling.

It's common that these symptoms can come and go - persisting for a period of time, and then disappearing for a while. Sometimes they seem triggered by a stressful event, or a serious bout of anxiety, and sometimes they appear out of the blue. While you may have some success in calming your muscles, your trembling is involuntary and is is often uncontrollable. 

​Experiencing tremors can be frightening, and many who suffer from them fear a physical illness in addition to their anxiety. They are, however, a symptom of anxiety and not an additional problem.

What causes this phenomena, and how is it linked to anxiety?

​Anxiety is linked to our body's natural safety and security mechanism, often known as fight or flight (with a lot of freeze in there as well, depending on the individual.) When the body perceives a potentially dangerous event, if prepares us physically and psychologically to be able to deal with it. Some people prepare to fight, and some to flee - both things that require more energy that we generally have to hand. This state of hyper-arousal exists for many anxiety sufferers as a semi-permanent acute-stress response, and is the cause of the tremors. 

When you suffer from anxiety, your fight or flight response is triggered even when there's no danger. This is especially common in anxiety sufferers who experienced some form of abuse as children and have developed hyper-arousal as an almost constant state. It's also a common characteristic of sufferers of clinical PTSD.

Physiologically, when in this state your body releases adrenaline in large amounts. Muscles tighten, awareness is heightened, and our reaction time speeds up - with decisions almost being made by our bodies without us having a chance to even think about them. Shaking is a common part of this, and as the danger passes, a person will typically revert to their standard pretty quickly. 

But the person who finds themselves in this state regularly will find that symptoms (tremors, jitteriness, exhaustion, dry mouth) can become more pronounced, even occurring after sleep!

If this sounds familiar, you can be assured that this is natural, and isn't doing you any lasting damage. 

While some GP's may try to prescribe beta-blocks to a person suffering tremors, Beyond Blue suggest that in general, there's no evidence that for most people, beta-blockers are any better than placebo. 

There are therefore 2 stages to removing tremors from your life. 

The first is to learn and use short-term measures to calm yourself. Generally, a breathing exercise will be sufficient, although a chronic sufferer may take some time to learn how to make it work well - I highly recommend that you persist. 

Secondly, enter therapy where, over time, you can re-learn how to be in the world so that ultimately your body will learn that it is in fact safe, and the stress response won't trigger.  It does work, and your body will find calm at some point. Once you are able, learn to meditate, or perhaps start yoga as these will both teach your brain how to be calm. 

Know that during a period of real stress (work or relationship stress for example) may trigger tremors to recur, as will a period of a lack of sleep.

I realise it's easy to make these statements in a short article such as this. The reality is harder, more exhausting, and more frustrating. Enlist family and friends, health professionals, and a therapist you trust to help you in your quest to overcome your anxiety, taking back control of your life from it. ​

It's amazing how changing your perspective can completely change your world. We so often get stuck in the rut of the way we look at things that we stagnate, repeat the same mistakes, and gradually become more and more disillusioned. But just how do you set about changing your perspective?

Aussie hip hop MC Tim Levinson (Urthboy) poetically explores a dramatic shift in perspective in relation to the raising of his daughter.

His song "Little Girl's Dad" begins descriptively, with a simple explanation of his experience before her birth, of his life, and circumstance. He describes modest dreams and day-to-day chores.

You can easily imagine all the thousands of people to whom life happens, as they just do the best they can with what they've got based entirely what they've learned from their own upbringing. Sometimes that's successful, and sometimes that fails us miserably.

The songwriter in this case has noticed that the world is by and for, men. His child is a daughter - and he can see that she may not have every opportunity that a son may have: " I'm sorry you inherited a man's world" he sings to her. He also realises that as his relationship with his little girl is one of male to female, it may also succumb to the same inequality inherent in society, something he opposes, writing "It's not the way it's got to be."

While implicitly acknowledging that the relationship is about power, He also seeks to subvert the power with a simple change of perspective. That is, by noticing that which he prefers to change, that which he prefers to be, and acting in that manner, he can in fact alter how he raises his child.

"You ain't daddy's little girl, I'm a little girls dad."

It's a beautiful line, rich with meaning. He is not the owner of his little girl, he isn't in charge of her, has no power over her. By rejecting the notion that he holds the power, he transforms the relationship. By perceiving himself in a support role, he gives his daughter every chance to be, to strive; confident and supported. You can imagine this principle could be a guiding one as they navigate through her childhood and on to her own adulthood. 

To me, the most wonderful thing about this perspective shift is the transformative nature of it. By viewing the world and his place in it differently, the songwriter has changed not only his own world, but also the world that his daughter will grow up in.

Stepping back from and observing our problems or talking them over with someone objective, can often help to make our perspective clear. It can also show up that the way we're looking at the world isn't the way we prefer it to be. Clients often find that the greatest source of their unhappiness is the gulf between their dreams and their reality. Changing perspective is often a successful way to bring them into alignment.

Shifting our gaze, re-setting our defaults, and seeing the world through our preferences can be a life-changing thing. It's often not that the world is happening to us, beating us, working against us, but that we're allowing our view of it to defeat us.

"...it's your world to take back." Make it so.

"Coming out" is generally how the process of letting people know you are same-sex attracted has come to be known. This process - and indeed it is a process - is different for everybody. It's also something that all same-sex attracted people have in common, having gone through their own "coming out" process. People often find taking that step to be one of the scariest things they'll ever do. An alternate way is the concept of "inviting in." It's a version of coming out that is increasingly being seen as a way to tailor the process to make it more manageable, and to be less daunting.

(Note that "coming out" is also a process that all those who find that they may not be living the way society expects them too - be that bisexual, trans, gay, or lesbian.)

Coming out is different for each person. From a teenager who is discovering their sexuality for the first time, to a retired person who, after long years of struggle, decides to become their next self; the experience is completely different. The young person needs to navigate the potential minefield of peer groups and bullies, as well as parents and siblings. The retiree may have a spouse and children and many long-standing friendships.

"Coming out" can therefore be complicated.

It's often portrayed in the media as something that's easy, and makes you feel immediately good about yourself - a giant glitter-filled extravaganza as you step into the spotlight from your closet as a new person, ready to take on the world, and making your announcement to everybody. Life is not, unfortunately,  always so simple.

"Inviting in" is an alternate strategy, one that is less dramatic.

As you have come to identify that part of you that is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, or Intersex (LGBTI) through your own internal process, so too can you invite people into that part of you. Identify those around you that are most likely to be supportive, and make a time to tell them. You may begin with a close friend, or a sibling, a colleague or a therapist. It really isn't important to tell everyone all at once or even who you tell. People generally report that at least  beginning the process is often healing, positive, and affirming - like a giant weight has been removed from their shoulders.

Youth Support:

• Twenty10

Adult Support:

• Qlife
• ACON